Like this:

This post will be very similar to the one I did a month back, Mortality, but I just can’t get the subject off my mind.

A few weeks ago, I checked my Facebook as normal, only to find a link to a YouTube video posted by T, a fellow writer and classmate of mine. Last year, T and I were both on a competitive writing team, and we attended practices and competitions together. Now, I don’t see her much – we’re not in any classes together – but I always considered her a good friend, so I clicked on her video out of curiosity.

Her video turned out to be the most emotionally affecting one I have ever watched. Hers was part of the “My Secrets” video craze, in which people from all around the world post videos of themselves holding up notecards, on which they have written their secrets, both trivial and important.

T, who was always extremely kind to me, reaching out to me when I didn’t really have any friends on the writing team, revealed some things about herself that I never would’ve guessed, and that made my respect for her so much deeper.

You see, T used to be depressed. Last year, she started cutting. Around the time we began spending time together for the team, she was seriously considering ending her own life. She even had a plan.

This really hit home for me. Even though the two of us aren’t terribly close, I can’t even imagine losing T. She is an incredible human being and I admire her and what she’s gone through. What really hurts me is that I could’ve done something about it. I could’ve helped T if I would’ve known about what she was enduring. I could’ve stopped her. Thankfully, someone or something else did, and so I am able to forgive myself for it. But if she had gone through with it, I would never be able to live it down. I was so close to losing her, and yet I stood by, unaware. And, unlike so many other times when people exaggerate, it really was a matter of life or death.

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